I recently had a conversation with a friend who told me an uncomfortable truth about myself: basically, I’m an unreasonable bitch. Anytime someone does something to hurt me, whether intentional or not, I feel justified reacting as harshly as I can and will NOT hear anything about it. Why? Because they did ME wrong. So I can respond however I see fit, right? And if anybody tells me I’m wrong, I shut down on them. I pride myself in being extremely self-aware, so of course I knew she was telling no lies. However, before I could defensively inform her that this wasn’t news, she followed up with “You’ll say you know, but you never actually do better.”
After the initial dose of truth, my friend simply suggested that I grow up and handle conflict with some emotional maturity. I, of course, did not appreciate this and responded with a half-assed silent treatment (because she offered me food soon after) that lasted the rest of the night. But as soon as she told me this, I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t true. Every single word of it. I hated hearing it and I wanted to hate her for saying it. How dare she have the nerve to read me to ME? It hurt because I know I’m not perfect, but I spend ample time trying to hide that truth from other people. Obviously, my slip slipped.
So of course, I had to do some self-assessing. I did the following checklist to measure just how ridiculous I am:
Am I sometimes overly sensitive to the actions of others?
Do I punish people for not responding to my feelings the way I want them to?
Do I always communicate these feelings to others?
Do I always take the time to understand the perspectives of others?
Am I sometimes selfish?
Do I honestly expect people to accept the worst of me?
Am I willing to be better?
No, I’m perfect
Do I want to be alone because I’m too stubborn to be better?
Is it really?
Do I really value my relationships with the people in my life?
Do I trust my loved ones to forgive my shortcomings?
I did not enjoy hearing the truth, but I hated the thought of losing my friend even more. She wasn’t the first person to point out where I lack in relationships. Other people and situations have shown me my flaws many times, but I didn’t take the lessons because I couldn’t see past my own ego. I took any form of criticism as an attack or “hating”. My constant conflict was everybody’s fault but mine. But if I keep finding myself in the same situations having the same feelings with people telling me the same things, I must have some work to do.
Even as a kid, my mother would tell me I had an attitude problem that would cause me issues as I got older. I told myself she just didn’t like me and was hating. When I got older and started losing friends because of it, I told myself they just weren’t good friends. When it caused me problems in my romantic relationships, I told myself the person for me wouldn’t offend me in the first place. As time went by, I didn’t even notice that I wasn’t as good of a friend/family member/partner as I thought, but people wouldn’t tell me to my face because they knew how I’d respond. Lord, I became the girl you can’t say nothing to! I feel ashamed of that because the people around me deserve a better me and I deserve to be in healthy relationships. However, my relationships can’t be healthy if I refuse to quit my own unhealthy behavior.
To me, hearing that I was wrong meant my feelings weren’t valid. I had to learn that my hurt feelings did not justify my hurtful actions. I am learning that there are alternatives. Instead of lashing out at or dismissing people, I can simply say “You hurt me, and I didn’t like that.” I absolutely owe my gratitude and an open apology to every friend, partner, and family member who has tolerated my disrespect and childish behavior because they loved me. I am forever grateful for those who stayed in my life because they see my heart and believe that I can be better.
No more bullshit justifications!
So girl, I appreciate you telling me the truth. I needed to hear it, and I’m a better woman because of it.
Here’s a short list of petty ways to get back at your ex that won’t land you in jail. Somebody needs it, so let’s get into it:
1. Take Your New Boo To Their Barber Or Loctitcian
That’s right. This is a full-on violation of a sacred space! What is more disrespectful than sending your new partner to the person who does your old bae’s hair? Especially if new boo gets out of the chair right before old boo and peeps what old boo’s true hairline is looking like between cuts. Yikes.
2. Cancel That Flight They’re Bragging About On Instagram
This only works if they forgot to leave the confirmation number off their post. That’s the only piece of information you need to cancel a flight, so if you have that, you have your revenge.
3. Take A Brick To Their Car
Before you go busting the windows out of their car, consider simply gluing the brick to the windshield instead. Imagine how hard you’ll laugh at the thought of them driving around with a whole brick stuck to their car, struggling to figure out who did it and how. They’ll likely end up having to replace the windshield anyway if you use the right kind of adhesive, so maybe save this for the ex who did you the dirtiest. Up to you.
4. Submit Their Resume To Phony Job Postings Online
This will have multiple scammers calling and emailing them with useless information forever. Like…forever.
5. Take Their Pet To The Shelter
This is pretty low, but that’s the point. Anybody can drop a dog or cat off at their local SPCA. They usually charge a surrender fee, but it’ll be less than the adoption fee your ex will have to pay to get their precious fur baby back. To be extra petty, you can leave the details in a note in the hallway signed in the pet’s name.
Try not to do anything that will have you looking crazy on the news. It’s normal to be angry at a partner after a break-up, and it is even more normal to struggle with being the bigger person. If you find yourself needing to take a final jab at the person who just broke your heart, find a non-literal way to do it. Comment below with the pettiest things you’ve done or experienced after a break-up. Help keep another grieving sister or brother off of The Shade Room!
One summer evening, a sizable group of Black men gathered outside a mosque in a quiet, west Baltimore neighborhood. Their mission was simple: create a Black neighborhood watch organization to protect their own community. To end their reliance on hateful, often violent outsiders for the “protection” of their home. As usual, there were no weapons and the noise level was low considering the amount of people gathering. The idea was that the presence of this group would deter any negative activity in the neighborhood by letting people know that, finally, they were being protected by an organization that shared their interests. The men proudly marched block to block so their people could see them and they would see their people. This was the community policing initiative we’ve all been tweeting about for the last five years, and it was an incredibly powerful moment. Then the police showed up.
Now it’s important to note that the police didn’t just show up because their police senses started tingling. They were called by someone from the very community these men came out to defend. Someone looked out of their window, saw this group of Black men walking through the streets, and immediately assumed they had ill intentions. It likely never occurred to this person to simply ask the men what they were doing.
Community policing can’t work because people are too afraid of their own neighbors. We do not trust each other and honestly feel safer calling the police for small offenses than directly communicating our grievances. It is time to check ourselves and ask if we are actually ready to take responsibility for our own communities. And if we aren’t, we need to prepare ourselves by starting on an individual level.
You want to see us policing, or rather protecting, ourselves? Next time one of your neighbors is letting off fireworks and keeping you up until midnight, challenge yourself to knock on their door and express your concerns. Don’t be afraid to get a negative or confrontational reaction. Stop assuming the worst of people. Conflict is a necessary step in community building, and it is definitely preferable to the tragic scenarios that so often follow police involvement. Community policing can’t just be a group of selected men and women charged with guarding our streets. It must begin with us each having enough respect and trust in our people to take responsibility for our interactions with each other. How can we demand the opportunity to defend our own community if we don’t already believe the people around us are worth defending?
Studs/dykes/butches/bois/masculine-presenting women and the like: Throw down your Playstation controllers and raise your picket signs because enough is enough! How many more cookouts, conversation parties, kickbacks, baby showers, and various events where some girl invited us as her plus-one must we attend where the conversation quickly and unnecessarily shifts focus to our very private business? Business that in no way involves the stranger asking and likely isn’t even relevant to the vibe? Soon as we walk in, it’s like game night to these people and I will no longer be played with. I cannot tell you the number of times I have been minding my own business enjoying very casual conversation before being asked some of the following foolishness at the function:
“So, have you ever been with a guy?”
“Do you strap or do you get strapped?”
“How does strapping work?”
“YOU want to carry a baby??”
“So. Question about strap-ons…”
“Do you like head?” (And proceeding to not offer any)
“Excuse me sir…oh my bad yo. HAHAHAHA”
Can I eat my honey BBQ wings in peace? Is the sex life you imagine I have more popping than what you should currently be doing on a handstand, sis? There is a time and place for people to ask masculine women these questions, I’m certain. However, I would appreciate the opportunity to finish my Prosecco and two-step with my friends without being interviewed by a bunch of bored, tipsy, nosey individuals. Please do not ask me about my bedroom activities in front of the potato salad! Please respect that I am uninterested in disclosing my plan to conceive children with a stranger I just met in the club. Please understand that you are NOT low when you use a tipsy game of Never Have I Ever to ask if I also enjoy dick. This is what happens when there isn’t enough food at parties. Mouths find less productive ways to keep busy.
I came here to get lit, and these recycled questions are not it y’all. Please consult Youtube for any questions you have for the community because the information is plentiful. The site is booming with women willing to explain themselves to anyone watching. I know masculine women are quite interesting and very fine, but I also know that people (women, men, etc.) can make conversation with us that does not include sexual harassment and other invasive inquiries. Especially in environments that offer free or discounted liquor! So with that said, if she didn’t volunteer this kind of information, please refrain from harassing that masculine woman at the Rona cookouts I know you’re having. Find a snack and keep it pushing.