5 Nonviolent Ways To Get Back At Your Ex

Here’s a short list of petty ways to get back at your ex that won’t land you in jail. Somebody needs it, so let’s get into it:

1.       Take Your New Boo To Their Barber Or Loctitcian 

That’s right. This is a full-on violation of a sacred space! What is more disrespectful than sending your new partner to the person who does your old bae’s hair? Especially if new boo gets out of the chair right before old boo and peeps what old boo’s true hairline is looking like between cuts. Yikes. 

2.       Cancel That Flight They’re Bragging About On Instagram

This only works if they forgot to leave the confirmation number off their post. That’s the only piece of information you need to cancel a flight, so if you have that, you have your revenge.

3.       Take A Brick To Their Car

Before you go busting the windows out of their car, consider simply gluing the brick to the windshield instead. Imagine how hard you’ll laugh at the thought of them driving around with a whole brick stuck to their car, struggling to figure out who did it and how. They’ll likely end up having to replace the windshield anyway if you use the right kind of adhesive, so maybe save this for the ex who did you the dirtiest. Up to you. 

4.       Submit Their Resume To Phony Job Postings Online

This will have multiple scammers calling and emailing them with useless information forever. Like…forever. 

5.       Take Their Pet To The Shelter

This is pretty low, but that’s the point. Anybody can drop a dog or cat off at their local SPCA. They usually charge a surrender fee, but it’ll be less than the adoption fee your ex will have to pay to get their precious fur baby back. To be extra petty, you can leave the details in a note in the hallway signed in the pet’s name.

Try not to do anything that will have you looking crazy on the news. It’s normal to be angry at a partner after a break-up, and it is even more normal to struggle with being the bigger person. If you find yourself needing to take a final jab at the person who just broke your heart, find a non-literal way to do it. Comment below with the pettiest things you’ve done or experienced after a break-up. Help keep another grieving sister or brother off of The Shade Room!

My Kind of Weird

We all know the bittersweet feeling of hanging with your best friends for the weekend, then having to say goodbye before the week begins again. We all wished for secret tunnels that led to one another so that the fun could continue but that never happened. Well, living with your partner is kind of like that but way better because there are no rules.We can stay up all night and eat pizza for breakfast if we want. You also get to laugh endlessly with someone who understands you more than anyone else. In my personal experience, living with my partner is a journey of love, friendship, and balance.

In 2018, I found myself on Tinder, swiping right on this handsome, brown skin man with locs. I just ended a 6 year situation-ship and was ready to let it go. It was the type where sex was guaranteed, he was familiar and I hadn’t found anyone who could keep my interest. I wished that I would run into a fine stranger at the supermarket or the bar but that only seemed to happen in movies, so I gave online dating a try. With Tinder, it was easier to meet people, but I had to filter through the crazies. There was this one time I hung with a match who seemed pretty cool — until the liquor kicked in. Things were going well until he felt some chemistry that I had no idea existed. He kept leaning in for a kiss after every laugh like I signaled him then he had the audacity to tell me that he wanted me to give him the daughter he wanted so badly. Red flag! Sir, I don’t want your baby and I really want to go home now, but there was Henny to be finished. I’m ashamed to admit, but I entertained him until my lil’ honey bun came into the picture. Once I met my baby, it was a wrap.

My favorite Tinder match was this is anime-loving, nap enthusiast who is my kind of weird. I always find myself super awkward in social situations but with him, I could relax. The day we met in person, I was completely hungover and tired from work — yes I worked my 9-5 with a hangover. We went to the park and he pushed me on the swings. He felt up my butt a little, but I was into it. All I really wanted was fresh air, a shower, and water, but even feeling as gross as I felt, I stayed out as long as possible to be with him a little longer. Even with only knowing me a few weeks at the time, he made sure I had everything I needed and I never questioned his motives; mostly because I had my own. I didn’t bring a spennanight bag but thats surely what I did.

We would do dance tutorials from YouTube and have the most raw conversations. The chemistry between us was undeniable. From the time we met, we were open with each other about our interests, fears, and personal battles. Not only was I attracted to this man, but he was turning out to be an actual friend. We didn’t have a relationship where sex was the only intimacy we shared. Most of the time, we took naps that lasted until morning. I started staying the night more often and then those nights turned into me moving in.

One cold day in January, we went to my place to gather more essentials, even though my side of the dresser was bulging, when he suggested that I move in. We were dating for eleven months once I moved in with him; I was never home and it made sense financially. There was a roommate at the time, but things still worked out. We had family dinners, blasted Soca and Dancehall, and smoked…a lot. They introduced me to fetes, we got wasted at The Mt. Royal Tavern and finished off some nights dancing at the Crown. These were some of my most memorable nights. It was always a good time escaping reality, but in the morning, we always had to face it.

Individually, I’ve been working on my mental health and that in itself is a journey; what I didn’t expect was that this man would be willing to take this journey with me. One day on our way pick up our pizza order from a carryout, everything seemed normal, but I was feeling uneasy for some reason. Just a few moments after, I was sobbing uncontrollably with no explanation to give. He never made me feel embarrassed or that I had to hide my mood swings and anxiety. He grabbed napkins from the glove box to give me, gently kissed my face a bunch of times and asked what he could do. I’ve always had people around me who cared, but it’s different when someone sees the parts of you that you hide and wants to go even deeper. Not having to worry about shielding him from parts of myself allowed me to confront my issues. He persuaded me to see a therapist again and I’ve been going consistently for the last year and a half. He’s always rooting for me to win and knows that success for one of us is success for the both of us. Naturally though, we pick on each other whenever we get the chance — just to keep it interesting.

I fell in love with a man who is sensitive, protective, passionate, and unapologetically Black. Sometimes he wants to be my surprise sparing partner and other times he’s chasing one of our cats down the hallway. I never know what the next day will be but it’s always another opportunity for us to grow and learn new things about one another. I also fell in love with the person I’m growing to be. In this relationship, I believe our comfortability makes it easy to be able to tell each other anything. This is how we build and maintain trust with one another. One thing we really had to learn is that we can’t always succeed in making each other happy but it’s important to be there in the ways that we can. I’ll always have someone to tell me when I’m being dramatic, back me up when I need it and help me plot escapes to islands. Having a partner who is also my best friend was something I didn’t know I needed until I had it.

Letting Go

Some things you need to learn alone

At first sight, I knew this woman would take me some place so far from home I’d never return. She was the most exciting woman in the room. She didn’t speak much at first, but her energy was too big and too loud to ignore. The room filled with a very feminine, very dominant perfume that I quickly connected to her. We were surrounded by dozens of nervous, fidgety young adults (like myself) trying their best to make a good first impression on their new managers and coworkers, but she remained still. She was sure of both herself and her intentions. She was on a mission. And by time I noticed I was staring at her, it was clear she’d been noticing too.

She wasn’t the one hiring and promoting, but it was her approval that everyone really wanted. I watched people watching her and waiting for their face-to-face moment with that big white smile and those soft brown eyes. Being my quiet and reserved self, I tried to play it cool and just watch from a distance, but she wouldn’t allow it. It seemed that the more distant I tried to be, the closer she came to me. Each time I looked at her, I thought “Is she really looking at me?” And each time, she met my eyes with a look of confirmation.

“I’m looking at you.”

This game of eye tag was making my heart race too fast to focus on the reason I was even there, meanwhile, she seemed to be doing just fine. She was all I was thinking about, so I fled the room to find a less distracting crowd. After I made it up a flight of steps, I took several deep breaths because I hadn’t been to the gym in a minute. I was truly embarrassed that this strange woman had me at work feeling like an awkward high school freshman with brand new hormones.

After a solid ten minutes of a self-inflicted mental ass whooping, I stumbled across the comforting realization that this was the first time I’d felt this way about a woman since the woman I still compared everyone else to. I was immediately overcome with gratitude. The universe had dismissed any doubt that I would experience that kind of passion again. It also allowed me to live long enough to know that, for that very reason, I didn’t need to be embarrassed. She was just a woman no different from the last or the next. And as much as I admire a woman on a mission, my spine straightened as I reminded myself that I already am that woman. And with that, I went back downstairs and worked the room like I was the only woman there.

Baltimore on Tinder

Why is it so difficult to find a decent Tinder date in Baltimore? Let’s face it – Baltimore has a bad rep concerning the physical attractiveness of its citizens. We’ve all heard it. People in other cities just really seem to think we’re ugly.  We’ve seen our city appear on various lists of places with the least attractive people, and we’re constantly reminded on social media.  Earlier last year, the entire city was roasted when the #FinePeopleFromBaltimore hashtag was trending. Between the initial unimpressive selfies and the many (equally unimpressive) follow up selfies intended to “help” the movement, it was the biggest social media L of the year. Citywide disrespect. Although some of our own natives agree with this negative sentiment, most of us seem just fine dating one another. I happen to find a beautiful woman or nice-looking man almost everywhere I go. Gorgeous, stylish people are all over Baltimore, but looks are not the problem with our tiny online dating pool.  Whether you’re looking on Tinder or OkCupid, the profile content is horrendous! While online dating can be bleak in any area, the profiles I see in Baltimore are just ridiculous.  Let’s examine some of the unattractive content that holds us back:

  1. Basically Cursing People Out in Your Bio

If I had a dollar for—you know what, never mind. So many bios are filled with SO much aggression that the reader is exhausted by the time they get through it all. The pure, unfiltered negativity will make you want to get up and take a walk. This kind of bio typically reads like this:

“I’m here, but I’m not here for the close-minded foolishness. I’m not the one for petty games! F*ck your opinion cuz it’s worthless tbh. F*ck you if you childish. Please don’t be ugly. This site is pointless, but I’m bored so I guess. Not really on here like that, so if we match and I don’t reply, oh well. Don’t be dry in my messages. Positive vibes ONLY [random heart emoji].”

If your profile looks like this and you ARE NOT intending to scare people or make them want to fight you, consider a change? Love you.

2. Clearly Throwing Shade at Past Flings

This is Smalltimore after all, but even if we can’t name your target, we can tell there is one. These profiles make it obvious that the last person you dated annoyed you so much that you felt the need to forewarn the public. Not cute.

3. Acting Too Cool For Online Dating

This kind of profile is similar to number 1, but far less angry. They try to seem like they don’t care to be on the site even though they took the time to sign up. Every other sentence in these bios reminds the reader that this person does not give a damn about this bio, potential dates, nor themselves.

Image result for tupac juice gif dont give a damn

4. Already Making Excuses for Terrible Dates (or lack thereof)

These are very popular for the men. These bios will actually spew cheap garbage like “Not here for material b*tches” or “Let’s vibe first and see where it goes.” They are letting the internet know that the women they’re courting are not deserving of their scarce funds. This is really happening. These are the profiles to swipe left or even block unless you want a (at best) mediocre smoke session in someone’s mother’s basement as a first date.  That’s putting it VERY lightly.

If the internet doesn’t find you a date in this city, it will certainly give you something to laugh and think about. As we near the third decade in this increasingly digitized world, online dating will likely increase from common to the normal way we meet potential partners and friends. Some people would say it’s the norm now. Online dating is taking over the dating world, and that includes us, Baltimore. If we’re going to do this thing, let’s do it for real!

What are the most bizarre things you’ve seen on dating sites in Baltimore? Have you had any interesting dates? Comment below and let us know.