Stud Struggles: We Just Out Here Trynna Function

Studs/dykes/butches/bois/masculine-presenting women and the like: Throw down your PlayStation controllers and raise your picket signs because enough is enough! How many more cookouts, conversation parties, kickbacks, baby showers, and other events must we attend where the conversation quickly and unnecessarily shifts focus to our very private business? Business that in no way involves the stranger asking and likely isn’t even relevant to the vibe? Soon as we walk in, it’s like game night to these people and I will no longer be played with. I cannot tell you the number of times I have been minding my own business enjoying very casual conversation before being asked some of the following foolishness at the function:

“How does strapping work?”

“Do you strap or do you get strapped?”

“So, why not just be with a guy?”

“YOU want to carry a baby??” 

“So. Question about strap-ons…”

“Do you like head?” (And proceeding to not offer any)

“Excuse me sir…oh my bad yo. HAHAHAHA”

Can I eat my honey BBQ wings in peace? Is the sex life you imagine I have more popping than what you should currently be doing on a handstand, sis? This is a party! There is a time and place for people to ask queer women these questions, I’m certain. However, I would appreciate the opportunity to finish my Prosecco and two-step with my friends without being interviewed by a bunch of bored, tipsy, nosey individuals. Please do not ask me about my bedroom activities in front of the potato salad! Please respect that I am uninterested in disclosing my plan to conceive children with a stranger I just met in the club. Please understand that you are NOT low when you use a tipsy game of Never Have I Ever to ask if I also enjoy dick. This is what happens when there isn’t enough food at parties. Mouths find less productive ways to keep busy.

I came here to get lit, and these recycled questions are not it y’all. Please consult YouTube for any questions you have for the community because the information is plentiful. The site is booming with women willing to explain themselves to anyone watching. I know masculine women are quite interesting and very fine, but I also know that people (women, men, etc.) can make conversation with us that does not include sexual harassment and other invasive inquiries. Especially in environments that offer free or discounted liquor! So with that said, if she didn’t volunteer this kind of information, please refrain from harassing that gay lady at the Rona cookouts I know you’re having. Find a snack and keep it pushing.

Baltimore on Tinder

Why is it so difficult to find a decent Tinder date in Baltimore? Let’s face it – Baltimore has a bad rep concerning the physical attractiveness of its citizens. We’ve all heard it. People in other cities just really seem to think we’re ugly.  We’ve seen our city appear on various lists of places with the least attractive people, and we’re constantly reminded on social media.  Earlier last year, the entire city was roasted when the #FinePeopleFromBaltimore hashtag was trending. Between the initial unimpressive selfies and the many (equally unimpressive) follow up selfies intended to “help” the movement, it was the biggest social media L of the year. Citywide disrespect. Although some of our own natives agree with this negative sentiment, most of us seem just fine dating one another. I happen to find a beautiful woman or nice-looking man almost everywhere I go. Gorgeous, stylish people are all over Baltimore, but looks are not the problem with our tiny online dating pool.  Whether you’re looking on Tinder or OkCupid, the profile content is horrendous! While online dating can be bleak in any area, the profiles I see in Baltimore are just ridiculous.  Let’s examine some of the unattractive content that holds us back:

  1. Basically Cursing People Out in Your Bio

If I had a dollar for—you know what, never mind. So many bios are filled with SO much aggression that the reader is exhausted by the time they get through it all. The pure, unfiltered negativity will make you want to get up and take a walk. This kind of bio typically reads like this:

“I’m here, but I’m not here for the close-minded foolishness. I’m not the one for petty games! F*ck your opinion cuz it’s worthless tbh. F*ck you if you childish. Please don’t be ugly. This site is pointless, but I’m bored so I guess. Not really on here like that, so if we match and I don’t reply, oh well. Don’t be dry in my messages. Positive vibes ONLY [random heart emoji].”

If your profile looks like this and you ARE NOT intending to scare people or make them want to fight you, consider a change? Love you.

2. Clearly Throwing Shade at Past Flings

This is Smalltimore after all, but even if we can’t name your target, we can tell there is one. These profiles make it obvious that the last person you dated annoyed you so much that you felt the need to forewarn the public. Not cute.

3. Acting Too Cool For Online Dating

This kind of profile is similar to number 1, but far less angry. They try to seem like they don’t care to be on the site even though they took the time to sign up. Every other sentence in these bios reminds the reader that this person does not give a damn about this bio, potential dates, nor themselves.

Image result for tupac juice gif dont give a damn

4. Already Making Excuses for Terrible Dates (or lack thereof)

These are very popular for the men. These bios will actually spew cheap garbage like “Not here for material b*tches” or “Let’s vibe first and see where it goes.” They are letting the internet know that the women they’re courting are not deserving of their scarce funds. This is really happening. These are the profiles to swipe left or even block unless you want a (at best) mediocre smoke session in someone’s mother’s basement as a first date.  That’s putting it VERY lightly.

If the internet doesn’t find you a date in this city, it will certainly give you something to laugh and think about. As we near the third decade in this increasingly digitized world, online dating will likely increase from common to the normal way we meet potential partners and friends. Some people would say it’s the norm now. Online dating is taking over the dating world, and that includes us, Baltimore. If we’re going to do this thing, let’s do it for real!

What are the most bizarre things you’ve seen on dating sites in Baltimore? Have you had any interesting dates? Comment below and let us know.